I had the loveliest conversation with my husband this week…
I’d been out of town working for four and half days. There was a time, not too long ago, that I would come home to total disarray. A time when he would call me in the middle of leading a retreat to tell me to get home as quick as I could. A time when my husband and kids did very little to help out. Apparently, after years of trying to make changes, things are actually beginning to turn around.
Scot picked me up at O’Hare, and drove me back to our house. The kitchen was clean, the house was tidy, at least by my standards. Knowing that many other working moms do not come home to a house that someone has paid attention to, I told Scot I was grateful for the fact that the sink was not piled with dishes, the table was uncluttered.
But the best was yet to come. Later that day, I went to the gym since I’d not gotten much exercise on my trip. On the way home, I decided to stop at the grocery store to pick up milk, since Scot had mentioned we were running low on that. I called Scot from the car to see if he had any idea what else we needed besides milk.
And he knew. My husband knew what we had in the fridge, what we were running low on. You know that running inventory that you keep in your head, wasting precious real estate in your cerebral cortex? It’s one of many lists that women are typically the keepers of, a fact that some of us might resent a bit, if truth be told. Who appointed us to inventory control, especially when we have so many other jobs already?
But my husband said these sweet words: “We definitely are out of milk, and turkey lunchmeat. There’s a little roast beef but I think it’s gone bad. Don’t get bread, though, I bought some bread. But we are almost out of fruit—I think we don’t have any more apples. And we need bananas. Melanie really likes bananas.”
My husband knew what we were out of. He knew which lunchmeat was used up, which had gone slimy. He knew what his daughter liked for breakfast. He’s involved enough in life at home to know what’s going on.
It made me want to drive to his office and give him a big smooch! But instead I drove to the grocery store!
Back in May, I wrote in this space and on my own blog about “chore wars.” As a working mom with junior high aged kids, my only request for my Mother’s Day gift was to have a promise of my family joining in the job of running our household.
While there are times when it doesn’t work perfectly, implementing this change has transformed my family, and my attitude. My 11 and 13 year old (and my husband) each do their own laundry. They each take on a simple but large chore each week, on a rotating basis. And my husband has sometimes even done some grocery shopping. All three of them cook when I’m out of town.
Helping out has become normal at our house. Later that day, when my 11-year-old son was home, I was straightening up and the dryer buzzed. My son was watching television. I said to him, “Can you go take those clothes out of the dryer? Dad put them in there and they’re dry.” And he did. Later I asked him to clear several cups off the table and put them in the dishwasher, which he did. A few years ago, those are things I just would have done, while my kids watched TV, and wondered where my anger and resentment were coming from.
Running and caring for a household is a full-time job. Everyone in the house needs to share that “running and caring for the household” job. We’re moving toward that. I still handle a lot of it, but they can make it through a long weekend without me, without falling apart.
Instead of feeling like a maid, I feel like part of the team. And it’s freed me up to write and work, to travel without having to come home to piles of dishes and laundry. But more than that, it has improved my marriage and my relationship with my children.
In my work, I meet so many women who are struggling under the burden of trying to do it all, and secretly (or not so secretly) getting angry about it. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this—how you’ve made it work at your house (or not), your questions.
11 Comments
As a mom and a paraeducator, I am a big fan of all the Love and Logic material. The authors do a wonderful job of equipping parents and educators with knowledge and techniques for effective parenting and teaching. One point mentioned repeatedly is that it is essential to the well-being of children that they have duties for which they are responsible in the home, in order that they may know themselves to be valuable, competent members of the family.
So, I rejoice that the domestic workload is being shared in your home, Keri (and Yay! for your thoughtful husband!), but even more so I rejoice for the benefits being reaped by your children, though they may not yet realize just how much helping out is helping them.
Joyce
thanks for commenting. Amen! Chores help kids “know themselves to be valuable, competent members of the family”–exactly. It’s not just because mom needs help, it’s because we all live here and it’s not just mom’s job.
Just wondering–what is a paraeducator? is that another name for homeschooler? or teacher’s aide? Just wondering.
Just looked at the Love and Logic website. That’s what I’m talking about! It looks like a great resource, I’m going to recommend it.
thanks
Good for you, Keri!
Isn’t it nice to come home and realize things ran smoothly without you (your hard work paid off!)? My hubby has always been a better “domestic” than me: he cleans the entire house before he leaves for work (he’s a melancholy personality, so everything has to be in its proper place). After two weeks, I returned home to spotlessly clean floors, immaculate bathrooms, and the kitchen sparkled. Women want to know if they can rent my husband for a day and my response, “You’ve got to be kidding!”
HUGS!
My husband is not domestic at all, or not until recently. He usually leaves his cereal bowl and spoon on the table or counter, when the kids were smaller he was gone for work a lot, and did very little housework. he’d also complain that I didn’t bring in much income, so “he did all the work!”–meaning paid work. ugg. Believe me, the transformation has been really amazing. While he’s still a big contributor to the clutter problems, he’s come a long way. That’s what made our conversation so sweet–because I see change and growth! (in both of us–I’m learning to be positive and encouraging instead of complaining!)
I really like this comment! It has inspired me to be a better husband. =)
Charles, that’s awesome. Love to hear it.
I don’t know how I lucked out, but my hubby has always tidied up before I return home. He’s a gem. He has never been a complainer. Thanks to that attitude, we now have a 22 year old son who is living at home and calls me to see if we need anything from the food store. It makes my heart sing. Sonny boy loves to cook so he also food shops on the weekends. We pay, but let him pick whatever he wants and he does an incredible job. I’ve even been in the basement folding laundry when he’s arrived home with a week’s worth of groceries and when I came upstairs everything was put away.
One key factor is not complaining about the job they do. Accept the way they do things (it will be different than how you do it) and then they don’t feel defeated. Instead they feel encouraged and capable.
I share this only because WE set the example. I really believe he’s watched his dad through the years and did’n't learn to moan about pitching in.
Now I must share that in his teens, he was caught saying things like, “Why do I have to do it? How come so and so can’t do it?” You know what I’m talking about. But in the end, he understands pitching in for the sake of family.
Keri, this is a lovely post. I’m so thankful your hubby knows about bananas and laundry!
This is a tough one for me . . . asking for help. Yeah, I found myself tending to get angry (secretly - but really not!). For a while, I was working 50+ hours a week, and he was getting home quite a bit earlier and napping and basically waiting for me to get home and start dinner. But I’ve been doing better recently at making my needs known, and you’re right - the team approach is so much better. Things are starting to balance out a bit.
The Eller house was always an “everyone on board” type of family. Perhaps that is because we gave birth to three babies in 19 months by the age of 23 and 24, respectively. We were awash in our new family and the chores that came with taking care of three babies. It just never stopped, and I’m grateful for a family that works and plays together. : )
Mary, my friend, thanks for stopping by! everyone click on mary’s name and go see her very cool blog and books!!
Dianne and Dotsie and everyone–I just read a great novel, and it is not a Christian book, but it addresses this and many other issues–it’s about several women, and one suffers greatly from the “my husband won’t help” but “I won’t let him” syndrome. It’s called “Little Earthquakes” by Jennifer Weiner, one of my favorite writers.
Asking for help, (being very specific. saying “why do I have to do everything???” gets you NOWHERE) and allowing husbands and children to help, without criticizing, is the key to getting participation.
noticing and saying thank you, very specifically, also helps. I told my husband that when I came home to a clean house, i felt loved and supported. it was NOT a “thank you for doing my work”–rather, it was simply, “I appreciated coming home to a clean house. It made me feel loved. I worked very hard this weekend and it was nice to not have a pile of dirty dishes greeting me”
I know it’s a complicated issue. But I think that if we as women could figure this one out, we’d have a lot less angry women in this world.