The trick of parenting is figuring out how to communicate two truths that seem contradictory:
1. “You are not the center of the universe; I do not exist simply to take care of you.”
And
2. “You are precious, treasured and important to me; I love spending time with you.”
Our methods for teaching and living these paradoxical truths are as unique as we are, and will shift with seasons of life, our careers, our families.
As you read this, I will be teaching at a conference—encouraging children’s ministry leaders to care for their souls, to slow down and listen to God.
It’s my first speaking gig in more than a month. Thankfully, I don’t have to travel very far—the conference is a few minutes away from my home.
My job often requires travel. But it just so happens that I got home from my last trip March 9, and I won’t leave for another out of town gig until May 2.
Seven weekends in a row of being home, of seeing my daughter’s soccer games, of talking with my son, of worshipping in my own church, sleeping in my own bed. It feels really good. After the May 2 gig, I’m home again until September.
I typically accept no more than two speaking gigs a month (and most are during the school year). This month, they happen to be tomorrow and Friday of this week, but are both local. And so, the planets and my schedule have aligned in such a way that for a nice long stretch, I am no longer the mommy with the suitcase.
Instead, I am the mom driving the carpool, the mom cooking dinner, the mom who has time to give my daughter a backrub after a really tough soccer game. The writer mom, who’s actually making progress on her latest book because she isn’t too busy preparing for a speaking gig to make time to write.
Last Saturday night, my daughter and husband and I sat around and played cards. Do you know how nice that is—to be home in front of the fire, sipping tea from my favorite mug, getting my butt kicked in “Spades” by my 14-year-old? It was lovely.
If any of you travel for work, or have a spouse who travels for work, you know it is tiring. It can be fun, but it’s a grind. It’s definitely something that empties me, rather than fills me. On the plus side, it’s helped my career, and it has forced my husband get more involved with the daily tasks of parenting and household management (the latter being of far greater value to me than the former).
As my kids enter their teen years, I am sensing that I need to be the mommy with the suitcase a little less often, perhaps. Not that I can or should give up working—in fact, I think it is very important for my teenagers to see that their mom is a person whose interests go beyond just them. I truly believe my daughter learns some life lessons (about women’s roles in church, society and so on) from watching me lean into my calling. Seeing me work helps remind them of that first truth—it is not all about them. But being available, being home, even as they become more independent, communicates that second truth—that I love them, I want to spend time with them, I am interested in knowing who they are becoming.
How do we hold those two truths in tension? How do we communicate both?
I don’t have the answers. All I know is, it’s been nice to have parked the suitcase for almost two months. And that is something I need to pay attention to.
9 Comments
Keri - this trick, this balance - is one I didn’t learn before it was too late. I’m so glad you’ve nailed it early on. Great post!
I’ve missed all of you - glad you’re back.
Hi Keri!
I found this post through Technorati this morning and just LOVE your opening premise!
So true!
We’ve been balancing these for almost 30 years in our classes, homes and families!
Thank you!
-Joyce Jackson
…keeping kids safe and creating safer families
KIerri,
Thank you for being so transparent! I really related as I just returned from the west coast trip and, quite frankly, I can’t seem to get over the jet lag and the spirutual pouring out that we do. This group prayed over me SO BEAUTIFULLY before each session! I can’t imagine how I would be right now if they hadn’t.
Now, I think I’ll go get a cup of hot tea. Something about your post has inspired me to do so.
Eva
I think our kids need us just as much, and maybe even more, when they are teens. It is about balance, Keri. I block off whole months each year, and then travel once or twice a month and no more. I also “cluster” events, speaking more than once to groups when I am in a location, so that the time I am away really counts. Then I’m “home sweet home” after that. : ) I’ve missed your voice.
Thank you, Keri. I’m in that stage of life where I’m considering real work for the fist time since the children were tiny. Two of the three are teens and I know that my being home with them now is crucial, I know that I’m training them to be independent, not the center of the universe, yet to know I love them unquestionably. So for me the problem has been work, how much and how often, how involved do I remain. Balance is brutal.
Thank you for reminding me that my daughter, especially, needs to see me developing my own interests away from her and the family, as well as being involved and interested in them. This is much more difficult than when they were younger, when staying home was obviously necessary. Argh.
Wow, did you ever hit the nail on the head! I speak all over the country to hurting parents and grandparents about the need to set healthy boundaries with our adult children. So often, the challenges we now have actually started when our kids were young. When we got confused about the two contradictory truths you opened with. It’s a never ending balance to show love and not enable. Your kids are blessed to have you as a Mom. And, we are blessed as Boomer Babes to have your wisdom available on a weekly basis! I am always rocked by the truth you speak - it always seems to hit home at just the right time. Thank you, Keri, for sharing your heart.
Wow, thanks for all these great and encouraging comments. I was teaching at the conference this morning, it went really well. And I took some time for myself to play tennis in the afternoon. Now I’m checking e-mails, and my son is sitting in my office, doing his homework a few feet away. it’s good to be here and have him nearby.
oh, one other thing— If you are interested in seeing the creative way we helped the kids lean into the “you are not the center of the universe” truth this week, check out my Deep Breathing for the Soul blog at http://www.keriwyattkent.blogspot.com
Keri, know this - in the blink of an eye, the kids will be off at college and you will have all the time you need to travel. Try sticking around more the next few years. You won’t be sorry. The kids will leave, but your job won’t.