Although my children are not yet adults, I found myself fascinated by the opening story in Allison Bottke’s newest book, Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children.
Once I started reading, I couldn’t put it down.
As I read her painfully honest and yet hopeful story about her own struggles, and her wise advice for parents who have, perhaps unwittingly, enabled their adult children to avoid growing up, I had two big ideas. First, there are a ton of parents who need to read this book. I have many friends with children on the cusp of adulthood, and the transition is not an easy one.
Allison writes with hard-hitting honesty about the role enabling parents play, how to change the patterns, the power of forgiveness. She offers six practical steps for parents to take in regaining sanity. For example, she writes, “For those of us who have our own personal issues with violated boundaries, enabling really kicks in when we become parents, as we often develop a myopic focus on helping our children, spouses and others—anything to keep from looking at our own lives.” She writes honestly about her own struggles, her own wounds, her own tendencies to enable her son. I love that she is not handing down advice from on high, but from the trenches and struggles.
The second thing I kept thinking was, how do I live right now with my kids, who will be 12 and 14 next month, to set them (and me) up for healthy boundaries in the future? How do I avoid enabling them as adults? What I landed on is that I have to not enable them now. One thing Allison wisely reminds us is that we should not be doing for our children what they can do for themselves. I think that’s true at any age.
I’ve written about chores in this space before. I realized after reading Allison’s book that having my kids do their own laundry (which they now do) serves a much higher purpose than just giving me a break. They are learning to be self-sufficient.
My kids began dressing themselves at about age 2 or 3. Now, they didn’t always look perfect. But having children who look perfect was not the goal. Having confident children who experienced the self-esteem that comes from accomplishments (rather than coming from just empty praise) was the goal. But I did not do for them what they could do for themselves. By age 4, they knew that when a meal was done, they took their plate, cup and utensils, and cleared them from the table.
Reading the book has made me even more aware of what I’m asking myself–are the things I am doing for my kids right now things they could be doing for themselves? As I often tell my soon to be 14-year-old: “With increased freedom comes increased responsibility.” She got her schedule from high school in the mail. We were trying to understand which classes she’d been placed in. My first instinct was to call the school–the name and number on the letter. After reading Allison’s book, I thought–no, this is something my daughter can do. So I told her if she had questions she could call the school. She pushed back a bit. I told her if I called, I’d be recommending she take the harder math class. “Okay, I’ll call!” she said. But first, I suggested she look at the course catalog. So she pulled it out, and SHE (not me) looked up each course. She realized she’d been placed in honors English. (all the schedule said was English 108). She learned, by doing, (rather than me doing it for her) how to read a course catalog. When she gets to college, and I’m not there, she’ll be able to do it. That’s a life skill that’s important. she found once she read the catalog, she didn’t need to call the school. And she got to solve her own problem. And I cheered her on, told her good job, but I didn’t do it for her.
The book Positive Discipline was a helpful resource. I don’t know if it is still in print. The Love and Logic materials seem to be along the same lines. I was inspired by Allison’s book to do some research on resources for parents of younger children.
Another great resource is Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book Boundaries with Kids.
If your children are not yet adults, you can set up patterns now that will help you establish healthy boundaries, to avoid enabling. But I’d like to hear what some of you think you are doing right, and what you’d like to change, to create healthy boundaries no matter what age your kids are.
8 Comments
This past week I sent my autographed copy of Allison’s book to a really good friend whose son is in trouble. I passed it on with confidence.
Great thoughts, Keri.
Suzie
Keri,
I have found myself reading the recent posts regarding this book thinking that it didn’t really apply to me. After your post, I have changed my mind. My children turn 14 and 16 next week!!! and with my 16 yr old, I do much of what you suggest as ideas to help her grow. My son, however, (the 14 yr old) is a different story, he also will be going to high school in the fall, but he is ADD and LD, so his understanding and comprehension of what is happening is a bit skewed. We work with him on his level, but I do struggle with doing too much for him. I will be adding this book to my ever growing list to read.
On another note, I really have enjoyed listening to you on WMBI’s Midday Connection and your book Oxygen. It has helped me with experiencing God in a more real, personal manner. Looking forward to your next book.
Karin
Karin
Thanks for your kind words about my radio visits and books. I’m glad to know it’s been helpful. My next book is in the editing process, which is exciing.
Parenting a special needs child takes a tremendous amount of wisdom and strength–I hope that you will seek out other parents, via a support group or whatever, to just offer you encouragement and let you know you are not alone!
I think you’ll find Allison’s book helpful, and I’d suggest Cloud’s book on Boundaries as well.
thanks for your comment.
Thanks so much for sharng my newest book on our boomer babe blog today. I’m not sure I expected so much feedback from people regarding their younger children - yet the radio talk show hosts interviewing me have all approached the topic of the youngsters still at home. The thoughts you shared about your own parenting choices, as well as the additional parenting resources were so helpful! Thank you for this. My prayer will continue to be that parents and grandparents will find hope and healing if they are struggling with challenging relationships with their children and/or grandchildren - no matter their age. I keep returning to the fact that we should never underestimate the power of God to restore. He is in control and knows far better than us how to do that. Thanks again, Keri - and I would love to meet your kids - having a mom like you has surely given them a head start in the world. Bless you.
Keri,
My kids are younger, (11,9, and 6) and I am, too. I actually sometimes think I shouldn’t be reading this blog because I’m not a boomer…but I enjoy it because it feels like I’m getting a sneak peek into the future. So please, don’t kick me out!
Just yesterday, we had a “surprise” Social Studies assignment that involved building an architectural model of the Parthenon. (!!!! My first child is in middle school, and already I’m so weary of these assignments that feel like homework for me & my husband!! I mean seriously, how can a kid produce the Parthenon for Pete’s sake, without our help? and don’t they see how these assignments muddy the waters of parenting without enabling? Oh yeah, it’s not all about me.) My son thought it was due next Friday, but realized yesterday at breakfast that it was due today. Ack! It took everything I had in me to step back last night (leaving the room proved to be the only way) and let him tackle it on his own.
There are many lessons there, from being responsible for his calendar, breaking down big projects and working on them a little at a time, feeling the pain of the consequences for forgetting important things, to not freaking out and moving ahead one step at a time, etc., etc.
My son completed it, and I think the whole family is relieved it’s over. But I think my job in all of it is to take advantage of this teachable moment, now that the project is finished. To talk through the experience, and figure out what he and I could have done differently.
Julie
I think you’re learning some things, but I can tell you are still in the midst of a paradigm shift. Way to go –you did the right thing by “leaving the room” to let him do it himself. But I noticed that you say “we” got an assignment. Umm, no. Your son had an assignment. There’s no we, it’s him. And yes, kids need to do these assignments on their own. The teachers can tell when the parents do it. I’m always surprised when other parents ask me what “we” are doing for the big science project or whatever. “We” are not doing anything. My kids are doing it.
But if you’ve made habits of enabling, you’re right that you will have to get a handle on that. And if you are going to stop, you’ll have to warn him. To let him know that you’ve managed things he should be managing, but you are now turning those things over to him, because you believe he is capable of handling it very well.
it’s a journey. again, the book Boundaries with Kids spells this out so well….
Keri, your children are so blessed by having you for a mom. Keep up the good work. It will certainly pay off.
A little story from our home:
When my son was in his first year of high school, we chose to re-do his bedroom. I thought…he should do this, not me. So he went to the stores with me to pick paper and paint colors, carpet, comforter, furniture ,etc. It was so cool to have this14 year-old, jock son picking out paint color and fabrics to match. He is now gearing up for a major renovation for his first home and he has confidence and is ready and psyched to get started making choices.
I know this is a little different than getting them to do laundry, but they are capable of so much more than we give them credit.
Dotsie,
Thank you for your kind words, and a great story. You are so right! responsibility is not only things you “have to” do, but things you “get to” do. My son has repainted his room twice already. When he was little, he helped me paint a depiction of the solar system along one wall.
Currently, we have a desert scene from the Star Wars movie, along with R-2 D-2 painted by Aaron in one corner (life size!). He’s now into football and has been planning how to put a field and yard lines, along with the team colors of his favorite team, onto the walls. OUr kids have both always had a choice of how they decorated their rooms. It’s funny, they really keep their rooms pretty neat, and I wonder if that’s related…???