“Whatever you do, do not talk to kids you don’t know online.” How many times have I said these words to my children? “And whatever you do, NEVER meet someone face to face that you’ve met online.”
It totally freaks me out to think about my daughter meeting someone she’s met online at a local mall. My heart pounds and I can make myself sweat easily if I carry the thought longer than a second. So here’s my conflict.
I host a forum community and have been corresponding with some women online for over five years. One gal I met from the BoomerWomenSpeak community is my virtual assistant. She’s been a guest in our home, and is one of my dear friends. We met online!
Last week I went to Vegas and bantered about with several other women I met in my forum community. We’ve been corresponding for years and finally met face to face. It was like meeting up with a bunch of elementary school friends. We can’t stop talking about it. It was a blast.
So this is one area of parenting where I truly don’t practice what I preach. Have you met people face to face that you met online? Would you gather as a bunch of boomer babe rock bloggers? How do you handle this topic with your children/grandchildren?
21 Comments
Dotise:
Great thoughts! I, too, value the friendships I’ve made online. I am anxious to hear how our fellow boomer babes handle this with young ones and grandkids…thanks for the question! - Allison Bottke
Hi Dotsie, It’s so good to be back. A lot has happened in our “spring break”.
I teach teens to set boundaries–both Internet (to avoid spam, predators, and unwanted comments) and personal. One personal boundary is time. If anyone wants something now from you, and you don’t know them, and they haven’t earned your trust, then they’ve crossed a personal boundary. Another boundary is secrets. Anyone who wants a relationship, or what is said, or a meeting in secret is not a friend.
Having said that, blogs are a lot like the letters people used to send to pen pals in the “old days”. They didn’t know them in the beginning, but over time they shared the little details, the big events, their thoughts, their hopes, and relationships were formed.
I would love to connect at a regional or national BBR get-together or conference.
LOL! I met you online, Dotsie, first through the NABBW and then through BBR. When I met you for the first time in person at the Nordstrom’s cafe, it’s as if I had known you my entire life!
You’re right, though, for young people it’s much more complicated and there are real dangers out there. Great post and so relevant!
Although I’ve slightly “disppeared” (smile!), I’m still keeping up with you Boomer Babes. Let me know when the BBR conference comes to PA and I’ll take you all out to LUNCH–okay?
HUGS!
Allison, do you plan on having a boomerbabesrock gathering at some point?
Suzie, yes, setting boundaries is so important. What boundaries would you set with a teen?
My feeling ist hat we have better judgement than children. But we must remember that anyone can pose to be soemone they are not while corresponding online. It’s scary to think about.
Connie, yes you are a perfect example of online friendship! I knew your heart before I met you and it was exactly as I anticipated before meeting you in person.
Glad to see you are still with us! When are you coming to Towson so we can hit the market and have lunch?
Boundaries: MySpace - settings so that only approved friends can see entire profile and page, or comment. Never post city, phone number, or where you will be on a certain day and time in your profile or posts. Settings so that only people who know your e-mail address can apply for “friend” status.
Facebook - accept only friends that you know, profile private
For parents: have a MySpace or Facebook so that you can connect with your teens or college-age students to encourage, etc. This lets them know that you have access to their page/profile/photos. I do this for a positive reason. It was an amazing way to connect with my children and their friends who called me “Mama Suzie” during my kids high school years. I minister to teens, so I’m very active on these pages.
A great alternative to MySpace is Shoutlife, a Christian online community that is closely monitored.
Great idea to have an account too.
Never posting that information is smart.
I can’t stand it when the kids leave thier AOL away message up telling where they are and what they’re doing.
Welcome back you guys. Hey what did you do with Connie?
Allison and Keri, sweet new photos. You go Boomer Babes!
Connie will be sharing a post on this, I believe, but she wants some time with her parents. We will miss her so much, but she’s not going too far. She plans to pop in and leave comments from time to time.
Thanks for the update Suz.
Suzie is all over this like white on rice. I spent my morning dish time (yes, I leave my dirty dishes overnight because I enjoy cleaning the kitchen in the morning - shush) thinking about your question, Dotsie, prior to reading the comments. Discernment is something which comes not only from the Holy Spirit (though primarily from Him), but also with age and experience and learning to make wise choices. My teens don’t have that going for them yet.
But Suzie’s exactly right about the secret keeping - we teach children from a young age to keep them from abuse, or to help them tell about abuse, not to trust someone who wants to keep something “just between them”. You’re also right on, Suzie, about wanting something NOW. Wanting to meet NOW. That’s a huge red flag that kids don’t often recognize. Children are often trained to respond quickly when a parent or responsible adult asks them to do something, or for something. Thank you for the reminder to teach my teens to wait, not just for their spouse when it comes to sex, but with anything. Shoot, it’s a great reminder for me when it comes to spending money.
Twenty four hours does a lot to clear the impulses. Talking to someone before I make the decision to spend (or meet) often levels my head.
I’m on board for any kind of Babe meeting. Y’all are spot on with this being like pen pals. It’s happening over a span of time, it’s multiple women, not just one-on-one, secretive. It’s a community, really. Like family! Anyone out there volunteering to do my laundry? Wait, my family won’t do that either …
How odd. My comment didn’t post. Oh well.
I spent a bit thinking about this while doing dishes this morning. Suzie, you’re the go-to girl here. Right on the nose. I teach my kids that they anyone who wants to keep something which seems inappropriate secret is harmful. Tell right away. It applies to the internet as well.
Yes, we are like pen pals, getting to know each other gradually over time. I think the key here is that this happens in a community. There’s no real one-on-one environment here. And somebody’s liable to say something if their radar goes off concerning an individual. Even as adults - we’ve seen it happen - connecting strictly one-on-one online can be dangerous.
With age comes wisdom and discernment, something our teens have yet to experience. The hard part is at their age, they want desperately to be adults, to be seen as grown up. Online predators use that. So that trust, Suzie - we have to build it with our kids from early childhood, huh? I’m praying that the investment of time, prayer, teaching and energy pays off in this teen stage of life.
So glad y’all are back! And Connie, have a great time bonding with your parents.
As a mom of a 12 and 14 year old, this is important to me! My daughter has given me the same speech–you only know these people on line??? I work with an assistant who lives in another state. we talk on the phone but mostly work via e-mail. I met her thru a friend that I know both in person and on-line.
My kids don’t yet have MySpace pages. They can IM their friends on AOL teen accounts (which restrict access to certain sites and e-mails with attachments), but they know at any given moment, MLOS is an option (Mom looking over shoulder)
Our only internet access computer is in my office, and they have to keep the door open and I can walk in at any time. there is no privacy for them on this.
but I know I need to keep vigilant in keeping an eye on them, keep talking and adapt the rules as they get older. I’m grateful for the insights.
I guess “do what I say, not what I do” doesn’t apply here, huh?
Eva, where is your post? We are dying to hear what you have to say today! : )
Suzie
I think soem people are hitting the preview button instead of the post because it’s more easily viewable. I know I did that once and then couldn’t find my post.
Flea, you are so right about kids thinking they have the wisdom to navigate online relationships. The funny thing is that people are meeting online and dating, and getting married. There are lots of boomer who are doing that.
So how do we tell the kids they can’t, and how do we monitor that? Fortunately, my youngest is 19. While I still have a concern for young adults, my biggest concern is for the younger teens.
Kerri, make sure they aren’t leaving away messages about there where-abouts with AOL IM.
Eva, it doens’t feel right to go against setting the example, but you’re right.
Hello! Dotsie I thought your article was very interesting. I have never met face to face with someone I met online.
But if I ever do I hope it will be a blast like your experience was.