What is it about the words “clearance” and “sale” that cause a woman’s endorphins to surge, adrenaline to spike, and pocketbooks to pour open?
On Monday—like most women—I didn’t watch the U.S. Open or go on a picnic, I headed for the shopping mall and just happened by the Macy’s Labor Day Clearance Sale. But this was no ordinary sale—it was 80% off the lowest ticketed price.
My pupils dilated, my hands got clammy, and I started to salivate when I saw the selection of summer clothes. I poured over the racks—starting with size 16 and working my way down to size 6—just in case someone inadvertently tried to hide an item (personally, I don’t know anyone one who would do such a thing, but I’ve heard that it does happen!).
Liar.
In my browsing, I saw “her” hanging on a rack all by herself—the white eyelet sundress that I had envied all summer. She was completely lined with a crisscrossed V-neckline and a hem length that graced my knees.
Perfect!
I had to try “her” on. It was hard to believe she was a Tommy Hilfiger.
I clutched her tightly with both hands, scooped up some summer tops—to hold hostage—while I tried to find an empty fitting room.
The handicapped one was busy, so I managed to squeeze myself into the end room with the faulty lock.
Have you ever tried to undress while barricading yourself against a flimsy slatted door? And why are dressing rooms so ill-equipped? Do they really expect us to look fabulous in that three-sided mirror with fluorescent lighting and beige carpet?
I dismissed the esthetics and got right to business. How to fit into the perfect dress? I decided the best approach would be bottom’s up. I shimmied into the dress over my hips and Houdini-maneuvered my arms into the sleeves.
That wasn’t so bad, was it?
Only there was a slight problem. A six-inch gap remained that needed to be zipped up. I took two cleansing breaths, held on tightly, and prayed.
I looked in the mirror and was horrified. The V-neck was now an eight-inch gap—spreading across my chest. I looked like a beached whale ready to blow.
I think it’s odd that fitting rooms don’t come standard with emergency call bells, especially when you have that lightheaded feeling from a lack of oxygen.
I hung my head out of the door and motioned to the sales clerk that I needed some assistance. She politely waved back, “One moment please!”
Do you realize how long a minute is when you can’t breathe?
After several minutes, the sales clerk came to my rescue. By that time, I was perfectly mummified into Tommy Hilfiger.
We labored together for several minutes—she tugged while I held my breath. She gave me a look of dismay when she uttered those dreadful words, “Don’t you think a larger size would have been more appropriate?”
I explained that I did pick out the correct size; in fact; it was the perfect size—“P/S” which in my estimation meant “one size fits all.”
She shook her head and then burst into laughter. “No, my dear, that means petite/small.”
“You’ve got to be kidding?” I said. “Something that small has no business in the women’s department—it belongs in the children’s section!” Her furrowed brow told me otherwise.
With the third yank on the zipper, I was free—free at last!
Able to breathe again, I thanked “Diane” for her assistance and politely excused myself to get dressed.
When I exited the dressing room, I hung the perfect little number back on the rack—exactly the way I found her. Before my hand left the hanger, a woman twice my size grabbed her up.
Should I tell her my little secret? I thought.
Nah…why spoil all the fun?
Exhausted…I took the black “Cable and Gauge” top to the register and paid $9.99 for the hundredth black item that I own (a woman can never have too much black in her closet).
I learned my lesson. Sale, clearance, Labor Day…are all ways to get you into the store, to buy something you don’t need, in a size that doesn’t fit, to make you feel miserable because you failed the fitting-room test.
The “Labor Day Sale” definitely lived up to its name…I labored more that afternoon than I did when I delivered my firstborn—all 8 pounds 4 ounces of him!
11 Comments
My initial thought was, “Oh my gosh I missed it.”
As I read on, I was relieved to have spent the day contentedly sipping coffee with my new online friend, Niki.
The three hour coffee turned into a three hour lunch. What a wonderful way to spend Labor Day, good coffee and sweet fellowship.
I can’t wait to read your new book. Sending you cyber hugs. What a blessing you are!
You crack me up girl… a beached whale ready to blow! I’ve been feeling beached lately myself!
I’ve had a few dressing room escapades like that before. Try adding on one “buggy” five-year-old and it’s a perfect mix for disaster! I guess we need to enter into God’s rest like Eva has been talking about, eh? Yes, even when we’re shopping. (Funny, but I usually wind up coming home with another black shirt too… what is it about that? Safe… I suppose, huh?)
Take care my friend. Until our next book event. When is that Tyndale book coming out anyhow? Have you heard any more? Whoops… rest, Susan, keep resting. I lesson I need to learn every day!
Can I just say that my mom and I have had some of our funniest moments in department store dressing rooms? Once we went to Kaufmann’s during a sale and the line was so long to get into the dressing room, we squeezed into one together and it was not a very roomy one. We tried on all the things we brought in and then we started trying on everything people had left in the stall. Just for fun. Whether it was our size or not. We got stuck in a few things and I thought one of us was going to have an accident! We were probably in there close to an hour and then we were afraid to walk out and face all the people waiting in line!!! Then there’s always the bra shopping with her!
LOL about the “yet another black” item too! What is it about black? I’m trying to stay away but i could live in black! It’s not even a good color on me, i’m just lazy.
Jan, Susan, Dianne,
My Internet is down and I’m at the public library…I could do another blog about my experience. I owed $1.00 in fines (which I paid in pennies!), and then had to get a new library card (four pages of paperwork, including information only my doctor knows for sure), and a barcode I couldn’t read because my glasses were at home. After I signed in, I had to wait for a computer to become available and then put the barcode in again. I’m going back to bed, as soon as I remember where I parked my car! I love days like this…it makes the dressing room escapade look fun! And to think I sent my poor hubby to this place (see previous post!).
Hugs to you all!
hilarious. gives a whole new perspective on “recreational shopping!”
this time of year I should snatch up bargains on summer clothes but I’m ready to think about sweaters.
I watched the U.S. open and took my kids to the pool for one last time! goodbye summer–although it’s 90 here in chicago today!
I absolutely love the picture! You had me in ’stitches’ with this one, Connie.
Too bad Tommy Hilfinger didn’t add a few more onto that cute little number…
I was looking for a Macy’s around here??? Where is it?
Connie, you are just one laugh after another!! You certainly know how to embrace life!
Keri makes me realize I really should be snatching up a few summer sale items . . . I wish I could get in that habit. But I too am ready for jeans and sweatshirts.
Keri, Jeanne, Dianne,
My computer is still down…I’m waiting on Embarq to replace the “router”–whatever that is! Jon has my laptop and I’m going crazy…I leave for a women’s retreat tomorrow in Ohio and I’m without a computer–thankfully all my speeches are written and printed out!
Our public libarary is about as friendly as a rattlesnake…guess what my next post will be about?!
Days like this make me want to go shopping instead of packing, but I just might have to do both! Retail therapy is definitely something I “need” right now. Yesterday, I splurged and went to the Hershey Hotel to have my nails done (hint: you get to use all the facilities of the Spa without the BIG pricetag…I practiced my speeches in the “quiet” room, inhaled sweet scents in the aromatherapy room, and munched on chocolate to my heart’s content while enjoying a balcony view of the gardens!). Can we make that our next girl’s day out?!?! Total cost: $12.99 (priceless!).
Jeanne, the Macy’s is in York in the Manchester Mall…it used to be the old Heck’s Department Store. Let’s do a day trip!
Dianne…I wonder who has more black–you or me?
Keri, who’s winning (or won?) the US Open…I need to get caught up. I had both my babies during tennis tournaments…one during Wimbledon and the other during the US Open!
Okay, they are about to start “Children’s Reading Hour,” so I have to close up shop at my computer. And the “headmaster” just tapped me on the shoulder and told me I had 5 minutes left on the computer! HELP ME!
Hugs!
Talk to you all when I get back!
Connie, count me in on the black clothes count. Remember the first time we met? We were both dressed in black.
I spent Labor Day visiting our youngest son at this school in Florida. Boy was it hard to say bye again. I know you can relate.
Yep, black just about sums it up for me! You and I could paint the town black–couldn’t we?!?!?
Labor Day is always bittersweet…the signaling of back to school (so I try to distract myself!).
Hugs!
Snx for you job!
It has very much helped me!