Perhaps some of you are fortunate enough to have children who are centered in Christ, attending church, reading their Bibles, and/or involved with Christian fellowship activities, but I am not. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging my children. I just know they are in college and getting to church on Sunday morning isn’t high on their list of priorities. Who am I to judge? I was once a C and E-er too. You know, only attended on Christmas and Easter. My faith journey has changed and I pray theirs will swing around to another direction too. It’s not their faith I’m doubting, it’s their involvement with Christian practices.These are children that were raised IN the church - almost literally because we live across the street from our church home, have the keys, were most involved, etc. They attended every Sunday, went to Cherubs, Family Retreat, Youth Group, Work Camp, Vacation Bible Camp, Lenten-Advent-Strawberry Festivals, ad nausium. You name it, we were all there together. As parents we tried to live by the words of Saint Francis of Assisi: Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words. We gave it our best shot.
So how does this faithful mom deal with having three children who are no longer connected the way they once were? Good question. I cover them in prayer every morning and thank God for their health and safety daily. I pray the Prayer of Jabez for all of us each day:
Bless us indeed.
Increase our territory.
Keep your hand upon us.
Keep us from evil.
I pray for ways to plant seeds on a regular basis. This is one of my resolutions for the year. I want to be more intentional. I’m forwarding them some of the spiritual emails, adding little cards with verses in their snail mails, and continuing to talk about my spiritual journey. I’m sending them a devotional book or daily calendar for Valentine’s Day for them to read when they are alone.
Funny, I recall a similar discussion from a Circle meeting many years ago. At the time my kids were attached to the church and their faith at the hip. Women with teens were discussing what to do to keep them interested in God and the church. The verse came up about raising a child in the way of the Lord, and when they are old they will not depart from it. I remember them laughing and saying, “Yeah, but what happens between now and the time they get old?” That’s where I am now. Have you been there? Are you there? Any suggestions? I’m all ears.
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I hear you! It’s difficult when the kids are grown—out of the house—and on their own. My youngest is at Grove City College where chapel is mandatory and he has a great church—he attends on Sunday—near campus. He calls himself the “good” son! And then there’s my 25-year-old World Cultures high school teacher who was my youth group leader son, camp counselor, and Bible study leader, and then his profession took over. We are now back to our seeker-oriented church of 7,000—Lancaster County Bible Church—that many of his students attend, in the hope that once again we can “all” reconnect at church. We change roles as boomer moms. We’re still “mom,” but we wear different hats, that of adviser, friend, and prayer partner. Great food for thought this morning. Thanks Dotsie!
I watched as the intimacy my child once had with God fade after the 2nd year in college.
All I knew to do was to pray (it’s powerful) and to trust that God knew and loved my child even more than I did. I also took a step back, and began to concentrate on my love for God, rather than to try to reignite my child’s passion (or to try to fix things). I think this was the hardest part for me.
Two years later this grown child came to me and said, “I don’t want you to say anything, but just listen, okay?”. I listened. My child missed God. “Will you find me some books that are for people who never knew God? I want to start over. I want to learn about God as if I never knew him.”
It’s been a process, and it’s been a joy to watch new faith “burgeon”, as the Bible calls it. It doesn’t look like mine, which is cool with me, because it’s personal, carved out as my child searches the Bible and searches Christ in alone times.
God spoke to me during that time, prompting me to trust him and to pray, and to watch those prayers take life in the heart of my child, but also to trust my child–and the fruit that was inside. Last, to take that time and to reignite my own faith, to give me what I needed during that time. Perhaps that was the most powerful gift of all–to stop talking, to stop worrying, and to take a trust walk of my own.
This topic is one that is close to my heart in so many ways. The “Prodigal Child” who has left the fold, or at least isn’t quite as involved as we’d like them to be. It’s a familiar lament that causes parents and grandparents to go to their knees in prayer time and time again.
You asked, “How does a faithful mom deal with having three children who are no longer connected the way they once were?” You also mentioned that your children are in college and that would lead me to believe that you #1.) know where they are, #2.) can reach them when needed, #3.) can maintain contact via letters, cards, calls, and visits, and #4.) are reasonably secure that they are physically safe from harm.
While I in no way wish to diminish the anguish that Prodigal Children cause faithful parents, I often feel compelled to share another perspective with parents and grandparents whose hearts are breaking because of children who are “lost to the fold.”
Be thankful your children are not lost to the dark and dangerous world of drugs, alcohol, crime, and a host of other addictions too numerous to mention. I have a 35-year-old son I have not seen for seven months. I have no idea where he is. Over the years he has lived under bridges, in jail, in prison, in half-way houses, and in rehab centers. Mostly, he lives in denial. Late night phone calls send fear coursing through my body.
You asked, “Have you been there?” Yes I have. I still am. And it’s an unimaginable pain that never goes away. It’s a fear that walks around with me wherever I go.
God has a plan for all of our children, just as He has a plan for us. I’m using what has become a very long season in my son’s life (and in my life as a mother) to reach out and help other parents and grandparents who share my journey into this dark word of drugs and crime. My next book, the one I’m working on right now, is called: PARENTS IN PAIN – HOW TO STOP ENABLING OUR ADULT CHILDREN. It releases from Harvest House Publishers in May of 2008. It deals primarily with adult dysfunctional children who are addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, and other addictions. Adult children (or grandchildren) who are involved in crime or are doing time, or are missing-in-action, their whereabouts unknown.
You asked, “Any suggestions?” Continue your resolution to be intentional in your ongoing communication with your children, and be thankful for the good. The good health, the good grades, the good intentions, and the good news that you know where they are. It may seem an easy thing for parents like me to say that things “could always be worse,” and yet the truth remains that things really could be so much worse.
Once again, I in no way wish to diminish the pain this causes you, or other parents in the same place. Raising children in “the way they should go” and then watching them walk away breaks our heart. As baby boomer women it’s a safe bet that many of us have countless layers of scar tissue on our heart…and it’s in the safety of a community such as this we can reach out and help one another to heal, and to bring hope into what may seem to be hopeless situations.
Keep praying and continue to be that loving example of what it means to follow Christ. I grew up a P.K. (Need I say that we were at church every time the doors were open?) While I’m not diminishing the importance of going to church, the most powerful witness my parents gave me, my two sisters and brother, was to live out their faith through loving actions. I drifted for a time during and after college. Not outwardly, I still attended church, but little by little I walked away from loving the Lord with all my heart and putting that childhood faith in Christ into action. Sometimes it takes a “U-turn” event to come back to the foundations of our faith. It did for me. So dear mother, keep praying and keep loving them and God promises to do the rest.
In Jesus’ love,
Susan
http://www.livingtheadventurouslife.blogspot.com
I so appreciate your words, Dotsie! Yes indeed. We have to allow our children to walk out their faith, to have reason to grasp the hand of their Savior, on their own. Our parents had to do it, too.
I just HATE that!
Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I’ve learned at least one thing from each of you. Just knowing others have been, or are in the same place is comforting. I’ll lift all of our children in prayer while praying for my own.
Scouring your archives (bored on an early Sunday am. before I head to church) and this really blessed me. Only I’m not the mom of a prodigal child. I’m the wife of a prodigal husband. We met and got married in church. Over the years though, he’s expressed absolutely no interest in church or growth. We were both miserable. Me because church was tense, wondering every week if he’d go or hating the music he’d blare on the radio on the way there and dreading what critical things he’d have to say. Him because, well, he just wasn’t happy. A few months ago, I did the unthinkable. Obeyed God and released him. Told him I knew he wasn’t happy there and not to feel obligated to go with me, that I didn’t love him any less. Told him if he had another church in mind, he should check it out and I was willing to change. He hasn’t gone with me or anywhere in three months now. I miss him but I have to believe that God is working in his heart. Anyways, I found this post very encouraging . . . some of the advice given applies to my situation.
Dianne, thanks for sharing. we must trust that God is at work even when we can’t see it. Afterall, that’s what faith is…believing what one can’t see.I’m praying you get an aoccasional glimpse of His work within your hubby.
For the record, I got a phone call from my daughter just last week saying she’d like to go to church. She didn’t get here this Sunday, but I’m forever hopeful. All the best.