We women are the keepers of so many details. It is we who notice minutia like declining toilet paper inventory—seemingly inane details that would have significant consequences if ignored.
We keep our families running smoothly, or at least, well, running. But the most stressed moms I know are the ones who try to go it alone. Who neither ask for or accept help.
Parenting requires strength. It also requires community. And we women are also the keepers of community. We help one another.
Yesterday I got an e-mail, with “Meals for Kathy P” in the subject line, from Lisa B. (there are a couple of Kathy’s in our neighborhood and several Lisa’s). She’d sent it out to everyone in her Bunco group, plus a handful of other neighbors, who forwarded it around the neighborhood.
Kathy, the mom of four active boys, had fallen off a step ladder in her garage and broken her elbow. She cannot drive for the next month or two.
So we do what a community does. By last night a dozen neighbors had responded with dates and what they were making.
In the afternoon, I walked down the block to Kathy’s house to see how she was doing and ask what the boys would like for a meal. Lisa was dropping off dinner.
We chatted, Kathy kept saying, “you guys don’t have to do this!” and we just laughed and said, “yes we do!”
Does your neighborhood have this kind of community? Our little group has built connections over years of carpooling, Bunco, PTA, school activities, and just plain old socializing. But we’ve strengthened those connections by helping each other when we need it. By bringing meals to a friend, we keep community, we do the work that it takes to make sure we remain a neighborhood where this kind of thing is normal.
What could you do today to be a keeper of community?
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Release Date: 2009
Release Date: 2010
13 Comments
When our kids were younger, we did have this type of support in our neighborhood due to play groups, and bus stops. Now that they have grown, community has changed. This type of support comes from certain circles of friends that have been made through the years like prayer groups, the Girl’s Night Out gang, freinds made through sports, etc.
Your post is a reminder of what’s available if we reach out and connect with neighbors.
I do not have that in my neighborhood. I’ve lived here for 8 months. It’s a small, new residential but also somewhat outside the city area. I’ve met my neighbors (only two of them) because I walked over and introduced myself. They are both younger working couples with small children and they are rarely outside the house. I see them driving into their garage and out. They seem really nice, but very busy. A new house is going up across the street and two more lots were just purchased. Richard and I plan to bring warm cookies from the oven when they move in, but will we have community? I don’t know.
That’s where our church comes in. After 25 years of attending, it is family. They have been there in the need-a-friend moments. They are my community in every sense of the word. I treasure that.
Keri, you’re lucky to have that kind of community in your neighborhood. I’m not sure many people have that anymore. Like Suzie, my church provides the kind of community you’re talking about. I’m so thankful for that.
EVery neighborhood is different–we have a lot of families with kids the same age. I think you have to seek it out–sometimes you find it at church, sometimes in the neighborhood. I’ve lived in the same neighborhood for the last 8 years, and before that, we lived two blocks away. So we’ve lived in the same area for 15 years. These connections aren’t something you can forge overnight.
But I lived in a neighborhood before that for 15 years. Again, a little bit in the country, which may make a difference. We aren’t nestled right next to each other. We aren’t privy to details in each other’s lives. We have an acre, or 10 acres, between us. I now live in a real neighborhood and plan to try to forge those bonds. So far, it’s a reality that I’m part of a younger neighborhood with two working parents who aren’t home much. : ) But I’ll find it with others in my new city; I’m determined.
Widely spaced homes on big lots are considered a luxury, but actually, as you may have noticed, it is a bit isolating. I love that when I walk out my front door, if my neighbors are on their porch, I can see them and say hello.
I think our neighborhood is unique, in some ways. Although I’ve talked to people who live in the city (we’re out the burbs) who experience things similar to what I find–because of proximity, they find it easier to know their neighbors. I think the neighbors I’m closest to have kids around the same age as mine.
Sometimes a neighborhood is cohesive, sometimes not. My point is not just about my neighborhood, but the fact that as parents, we need other parents to help us. Kathy does a great job with her boys, but the next few weeks, we’ll help her be a better mom by carrying some of her load. As someone who speaks to a lot of moms, I think there is a myth out there (esp. in Christian circles, unfortunately) that the best moms don’t need any help. I believe that’s a dangerous lie to believe. But if not in your neighborhood, where else do you find community? In the workplace, church, somewhere that you volunteer? I’d like to hear about it.
I think for years I bought into the idea of a “personal relationship with God” to the point of not understanding, and therefore excluding, community. I think that, combined with some of the isolation that comes with suburban and rural living, has contributed to a lot of do-it-yourself Christianity. I am trying to get past the “if it’s to be, it’s up to me” mentality but to do so, I have to be willing to allow some of the walls to come down and be aware of the needs of others and get engaged in community (for me, that’s mostly through church). I am finding too that it’s a two-way street . . . gotta be willing to receive (admit my needs) as well as give and meet others’ needs.
Dianne
thanks for your insightful comments. And your last point is huge–we have to be willing to admit our neediness. Believe it or not, Jesus modeled this. He let a group of women (!) be the financial providers for him. check out Luke 8:1-3. He put himself in a place where he needed others. Shouldn’t we be willing to do the same? I’m not recommending that we constantly be takers, but to balance both giving and taking. To admit we can not do it all!
We’ve gotten to know just a couple of neighbors in the last year and a half. But the one couple, whose oldest boy is our boy’s best friend, have become good friends. And they’re searching. They attend a Universalist church and have made it clear that they’re looking for the Truth. Right now they’re looking only on their terms. So we take their boy to youth group, the mom and I attend a writing group together, we rock climb together. We’re just there, all the time. Right now that’s all we can do, but I keep looking for open doors.
When God gave me twin boys with autism, God taught me that I am not an island and that I needed not only to accept help but ask for help. We Pioneering Americans do not like to think we aren’t self-reliant. I certainly didn’t think I needed anyone else to help me raise my children. However, I have learned to ask for help because in doing so, I am a better mother. It is humbling to ask for help. But I believe that’s exactly the place our Lord wants us to be.
What a wonderful neighborhood you live in. I just asked my husband what he would do if I died…I mean, considering all the laundry that needs to be done around here. He said, “I’ll take it one load at a time.”
Yeah…let me know how that works out for ya…
Suz, I have a feeling you will be the center of the community in your new neighborhood!